Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
