The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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