Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
