She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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