new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I need moral support for this bender
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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