Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
