I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
