Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
