I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
