I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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