I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
