He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I've blown a few things in my day
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
