so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
