My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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