I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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