wakey wakey hands off snakey
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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