if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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