I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
