Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
