my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
