I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
