So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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