I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
