the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
