i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
