well I can't set my house on fire every night
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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