ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
