Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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