Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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