My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I smell like Dick and happiness
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
