The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
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after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
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My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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