You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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