fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
