can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
