I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
