Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
