just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
