so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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