I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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