I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
