Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
