The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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