life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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