How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
