Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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