I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
