Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
