Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
