I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The Olympian is in my bed
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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