my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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