Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
