did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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