I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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