Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
