you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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