Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
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