I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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