shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
