I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
